It's time for me to get real...

with myself before I explode into a million tiny little pieces. I am angry, pissed off, mad, wanna scream and run far far away and not come back for awhile. If I thought there was somewhere that I could go and no one would find me, I would already be gone. No this doesn't mean that I don't love my child, my family or friends. If you think that by only reading thus far, click the big red X at the top of the screen. I don't need your ridicule. It means that I need a break, a break from stress, life, reality, whatever it may be. The last year has been a nightmare, literally. From Tay's surgery in January, dealing with a tornado, loss of my car, Tay being abused by the friggin babysitter, My less than mediocre medical issues, Connor's 4 wheeler accident, my best friend's blood clots and now all of this. (That just hits the high points) I would like to turn the page and never look back. And no, this isn't a poor me, give me lots of sympathy blog either. I just need to vent. But so far my luck hasn't changed any, for instance a friend and I bought our first Arkansas lotto tickets today, did we win one red cent? Hell no, we lost 7 bucks!

Last weekend, I was in Dallas supposed to having the time of my life and celebrating my 30th birthday. I'll just say that it was an awful weekend, I pray that I forget it all. On Saturday afternoon while taking a nap in our plush hotel room, my phone rings, it's the Baby Daddy who currently had my daughter, yes my, at the time. Tay had managed to somehow get her ankle squished, yes squished is the only proper word that I can come up with right now, by another child on the teeter totter. He said, "I think it's broke!" Me, thinking to myself, sure it is, you don't know broke from a hole in the ground, nor do you know her allergy list or the daily meds she takes, but now your telling me that her foot is broke. I said, send me a picture. He did alright, and for once in his life, he was right. It's so broke they sent her to Children's Hospital in LR. He tells me calm down, Ronda, I was only 10 feet away washing the car and said girlfriend was very close by. Really? Then how the fuck did this happen? My 8 year old daughter has a fractured growth plate in her left ankle and a sheared tibia and your telling me to calm down. Sure I won't! I'm stuck in Dallas trying to get a flight to LR because they think she is going to have surgery. I'm willing to spend my savings on a flight to LR because I am the strong one, not him. Out of the 5 surgeries she has had, he has been to 2. Not a very good ratio there. Needless to say, they couldn't do surgery because her ankle was too swollen and inflammed to do anything yet. They send her home to let the swelling go down. I cancel my flight. And we leave first thing the next morning on the way home.

Tay gets home and of course I ask her what happened? She said daddy was across the street at the car wash washing the car(not 10 feet away) and live-in girlfriend was across the creek smoking and doing her homework. So who exactly was watching you and who saw this happen? A ten year old, thats who. I guess thats who is now responsible for my daughter. Yes, I know accidents happen, and sometimes they can't be prevented, but for NO ADULT to have even come close to witnessing this just really makes me wanna rip heads off. Thus far, my daughter has had to have zero surgeries because of my negligence. Her fathers actions really shouldn't surprise me by now, but somehow I have let him get to me on this one. So I take her to my OP on Tuesday and she is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday to put pins in it to put it back together. Oh and did I mention that she has to have another surgery to have them removed in 3-6 months? So her father called wanting to know all of this information. I told him and asked if he was coming to her surgery? He says, well, 11:00 is early, and I don't think I can make it on time.

Me: so get your ass outta bed a little earlier and be there. Him: Well, I really don't have the gas money. Me: Well then come and watch her Thursday and Friday since you have so much PTO saved up, so I can work. Him: I really don't have the gas money. Me: Are you friggin kiddin me? Your daughter is having her 6th surgery and once again, your not coming? I'd be ashamed to admit that! Him: Besides said girlfriend is having outpatient surgery on Friday. Me: Oh, I get it, you can go to her surgery, but you can't come to your own flesh and blood's surgery. Oh, now I totally understand. NOT!

So yes, I am angry that I am the one to always pick up the pieces, the one that pays for EVERYTHING. I am the one who paid the specialist co-pay on Tuesday, the surgical co-pay, the gas to and from FS 2x this week, the one that went and bought stretchy pants to get over her cast, and bought Tay whatever she wanted to eat those days because she was going through hell. I am the one who has to lay on top of her when she's trying to wake up from anesthesia, with the ear-piercing, gut-wrenching scream that is radiating from her tonsils while she's trying to rip out her IV. I am the one that carried her to the car and fought with her while trying to drive home until she finally passed out. I am the one that has to wrap her leg every night and bathe her by hand. I am the one that answers her over 50x a day, and takes care of her and have given up by bed to share with her just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs me. And where is her father? Thats a damn good question? We haven't even heard from him in a couple days. Someone please make me understand, because I can't even begin to fathom it. Yes, I am tired, worn out and frustrated.

I am also angry that I am letting a man play with my emotions and toy with my heart. I am angry that my best friend has blood clots and has been chair bound for over a month now. I am torn about my medical issues that I put off to make my child the priority. I am angry that "what if" I have to have another major surgery and I have no time off left. I am angry about my finances, because of all the extra cost my savings has been depleted. What if I don't have enough money to make it till tax time? I am angry that no one seems to understand. Perhaps someone in bloggy land will possibly know where I am coming from. I am angry that all this shit has happened this year and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. I am tired of putting on that fake smile for everyone and acting like everything is ok, perhaps it will get that way, but right now, I do not feel ok. No, I'm not gonna down a bottle of pills or do anything drastic. I may go outside and scream at the top of my lungs or howl at the moon, I'm not sure which, even If I do both, what would it hurt?

"Satan's Spawn"

Yes, in my case, that would be "AT&T"...and they are currently at my disposal right now! I have indeed waged war with them! And you ask, why? Let me tell you, please!!

My bill was due on July 7th, and I paid $151.48, and put $53.47 in claims, because they couldn't tell me where those charges came from. They told me that someone would call me back, but alas, never did. So I think that everything is hunky doory, right? Then wham, on Saturday, my cell phone isn't working, but my home phone and my DSL are? WTH? Did I mention that I went out of town to the lake all weekend and that Tay is in Branson with her father and they have no way of contacting me and vice versa?? So Saturday I couldn't get in touch with AT&T customer service, go figure! Sunday comes along and I am able to get ahold of someone and they said this.."I can't seem to figure out why your mobile has been suspended, you don't have any late charges or late fees?" "Hmm, but I can't turn your phone back on, because I don't know why they turned it off in the first place." Someone please explain this mumbo jumbo to me, cause it sure ain't making sense!! So me, desperate to have connection with my daughter said, so If I pay the bill that isn't even due till 8/7, will that turn on my phone? She says, Oh, yes ma'am, so I pay the blankety blank thing...no cell phone ever got turned back on.

So today is Monday, still no cell service, I'm seeing RED DAGERS!! I called them at precisely 8 am, and just now got off the phone. Heidi, the sweet girl that she is, had to turn it back on, but of course I wanted upper management to handle my rage. So luckily I got 2 very understanding gals on the phone, oh but I did mention that I was about to go postal and tell them to stick all 3 of my AT&T services where the sun doesn't shine(this is the rated version).

Apparently, that person back on 7/7 didn't actually put those charges in claims, so they turned my phone off over 50 smackers. Yes, 50 smackers!! Craziness, huh? So now they are trying to make me a "very satisfied customer"... I told them, I guess 6 years of paying bills on time does nothing for ones account. If your willing to turn it off over such a petty amount, then perhaps I do need to go elsewhere. So they are trying to make me a happy customer, this gal is supposed to call me back when she gets all my credits done. Think she really will??

Oh yeah?

O about 6-8 weeks ago, I got a new do...here's the curly version from the lake on Saturday...

I have a complaint...

Tay has been in about the same size for almost 2 years now, so I guess it's time, but geez louise, overnight, she has blossomed, literally. She is still technically 7 years young for another 2 months, so I am totally not ready for all this changing.

We are having a big yard sale in a few weeks, so I wanted her to try on some stuff so I knew what to put in and what not to put in. I'll just say that anything and everything she was wearing 6 weeks ago, she can't even get buttoned or furthermore over her hips. Oh, and she has buds, yes, Those Kind of BUDS!! Dude, she's 7, not 12. For the love of my sanity, can we not prolong this for at least a few more years?? She has officially started wearing a, Nope, I can't say it, I just can't. So alas, she gets a whole new wardrobe, I thought that crap only happened to me!!

The last 6 months or so, she has developed a love of high heels, any kind, any color, just high heels. I bet she has 5 pair of them already, oh, and she's wearing a womens size 5-6 shoe!! So the other day I walk past her room, she has the radio blaring, she is wearing high heels, daisy dukes and a tank top, and she is parading around the pole on her bed(4 poster bed)!! I stopped in my tracks, and said, " What exactly are you doing, child?" She just laughed at me and smiled! I said, you are not a stripper and never will be!! Stop it now!! Where is she seeing this crap?? It's official, I am putting a brick on her head as soon as she comes home from Branson!!

This one's for you, Krissi!!

Since I haven't posted in a week or two, ok, more like a few months, and SOMEONE who will remain anonymous brought it to my attention, here goes nothing. I'm not sure where to even start, so I will start with the most recent.

Tay went to her daddy's on Friday for a whole week, so I took advantage of this and decided to go hang out with a friend in Little Rock. We decide to go eat at this Irish Pub where someone recommended I try the "drunken irish nurse"..go figure! I'll just say that either I have turned into the biggest weeny on the face of the earth or that was the strongest drink I have quite possibly ever had. One drink and I passed it on to my friend, and he drank it. Much to his surprise, an hour or so later, we are making a mad dash back to his house because he is SICK!! So glad I didn't finish the drink!! So much for our fun-filled evening!!

So after breakfast and shopping on Saturday, we load up and go to the lake house in Hot Springs, and spend the rest of the afternoon on the boat, catching some rays. What bliss! We decide to go out to Rolando's for dinner with some awesome people and sit on the patio, more like a veranda which is halfway up the mountain overlooking Hot Springs, did I mention way cool, the service sucked, but the food was awesome! What a combo, eh?

We attempted to take the boat out Sunday for a bit, but the weather was not cooperating..GRRRR!! So now I'm all back to reality, and working on the house. I'll just say the few days away was a very much needed mini vacay!! Now it's time to plan a bigger one!! Ideas, anyone?