It's time for me to get real...

with myself before I explode into a million tiny little pieces. I am angry, pissed off, mad, wanna scream and run far far away and not come back for awhile. If I thought there was somewhere that I could go and no one would find me, I would already be gone. No this doesn't mean that I don't love my child, my family or friends. If you think that by only reading thus far, click the big red X at the top of the screen. I don't need your ridicule. It means that I need a break, a break from stress, life, reality, whatever it may be. The last year has been a nightmare, literally. From Tay's surgery in January, dealing with a tornado, loss of my car, Tay being abused by the friggin babysitter, My less than mediocre medical issues, Connor's 4 wheeler accident, my best friend's blood clots and now all of this. (That just hits the high points) I would like to turn the page and never look back. And no, this isn't a poor me, give me lots of sympathy blog either. I just need to vent. But so far my luck hasn't changed any, for instance a friend and I bought our first Arkansas lotto tickets today, did we win one red cent? Hell no, we lost 7 bucks!

Last weekend, I was in Dallas supposed to having the time of my life and celebrating my 30th birthday. I'll just say that it was an awful weekend, I pray that I forget it all. On Saturday afternoon while taking a nap in our plush hotel room, my phone rings, it's the Baby Daddy who currently had my daughter, yes my, at the time. Tay had managed to somehow get her ankle squished, yes squished is the only proper word that I can come up with right now, by another child on the teeter totter. He said, "I think it's broke!" Me, thinking to myself, sure it is, you don't know broke from a hole in the ground, nor do you know her allergy list or the daily meds she takes, but now your telling me that her foot is broke. I said, send me a picture. He did alright, and for once in his life, he was right. It's so broke they sent her to Children's Hospital in LR. He tells me calm down, Ronda, I was only 10 feet away washing the car and said girlfriend was very close by. Really? Then how the fuck did this happen? My 8 year old daughter has a fractured growth plate in her left ankle and a sheared tibia and your telling me to calm down. Sure I won't! I'm stuck in Dallas trying to get a flight to LR because they think she is going to have surgery. I'm willing to spend my savings on a flight to LR because I am the strong one, not him. Out of the 5 surgeries she has had, he has been to 2. Not a very good ratio there. Needless to say, they couldn't do surgery because her ankle was too swollen and inflammed to do anything yet. They send her home to let the swelling go down. I cancel my flight. And we leave first thing the next morning on the way home.

Tay gets home and of course I ask her what happened? She said daddy was across the street at the car wash washing the car(not 10 feet away) and live-in girlfriend was across the creek smoking and doing her homework. So who exactly was watching you and who saw this happen? A ten year old, thats who. I guess thats who is now responsible for my daughter. Yes, I know accidents happen, and sometimes they can't be prevented, but for NO ADULT to have even come close to witnessing this just really makes me wanna rip heads off. Thus far, my daughter has had to have zero surgeries because of my negligence. Her fathers actions really shouldn't surprise me by now, but somehow I have let him get to me on this one. So I take her to my OP on Tuesday and she is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday to put pins in it to put it back together. Oh and did I mention that she has to have another surgery to have them removed in 3-6 months? So her father called wanting to know all of this information. I told him and asked if he was coming to her surgery? He says, well, 11:00 is early, and I don't think I can make it on time.

Me: so get your ass outta bed a little earlier and be there. Him: Well, I really don't have the gas money. Me: Well then come and watch her Thursday and Friday since you have so much PTO saved up, so I can work. Him: I really don't have the gas money. Me: Are you friggin kiddin me? Your daughter is having her 6th surgery and once again, your not coming? I'd be ashamed to admit that! Him: Besides said girlfriend is having outpatient surgery on Friday. Me: Oh, I get it, you can go to her surgery, but you can't come to your own flesh and blood's surgery. Oh, now I totally understand. NOT!

So yes, I am angry that I am the one to always pick up the pieces, the one that pays for EVERYTHING. I am the one who paid the specialist co-pay on Tuesday, the surgical co-pay, the gas to and from FS 2x this week, the one that went and bought stretchy pants to get over her cast, and bought Tay whatever she wanted to eat those days because she was going through hell. I am the one who has to lay on top of her when she's trying to wake up from anesthesia, with the ear-piercing, gut-wrenching scream that is radiating from her tonsils while she's trying to rip out her IV. I am the one that carried her to the car and fought with her while trying to drive home until she finally passed out. I am the one that has to wrap her leg every night and bathe her by hand. I am the one that answers her over 50x a day, and takes care of her and have given up by bed to share with her just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs me. And where is her father? Thats a damn good question? We haven't even heard from him in a couple days. Someone please make me understand, because I can't even begin to fathom it. Yes, I am tired, worn out and frustrated.

I am also angry that I am letting a man play with my emotions and toy with my heart. I am angry that my best friend has blood clots and has been chair bound for over a month now. I am torn about my medical issues that I put off to make my child the priority. I am angry that "what if" I have to have another major surgery and I have no time off left. I am angry about my finances, because of all the extra cost my savings has been depleted. What if I don't have enough money to make it till tax time? I am angry that no one seems to understand. Perhaps someone in bloggy land will possibly know where I am coming from. I am angry that all this shit has happened this year and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. I am tired of putting on that fake smile for everyone and acting like everything is ok, perhaps it will get that way, but right now, I do not feel ok. No, I'm not gonna down a bottle of pills or do anything drastic. I may go outside and scream at the top of my lungs or howl at the moon, I'm not sure which, even If I do both, what would it hurt?

"Satan's Spawn"

Yes, in my case, that would be "AT&T"...and they are currently at my disposal right now! I have indeed waged war with them! And you ask, why? Let me tell you, please!!

My bill was due on July 7th, and I paid $151.48, and put $53.47 in claims, because they couldn't tell me where those charges came from. They told me that someone would call me back, but alas, never did. So I think that everything is hunky doory, right? Then wham, on Saturday, my cell phone isn't working, but my home phone and my DSL are? WTH? Did I mention that I went out of town to the lake all weekend and that Tay is in Branson with her father and they have no way of contacting me and vice versa?? So Saturday I couldn't get in touch with AT&T customer service, go figure! Sunday comes along and I am able to get ahold of someone and they said this.."I can't seem to figure out why your mobile has been suspended, you don't have any late charges or late fees?" "Hmm, but I can't turn your phone back on, because I don't know why they turned it off in the first place." Someone please explain this mumbo jumbo to me, cause it sure ain't making sense!! So me, desperate to have connection with my daughter said, so If I pay the bill that isn't even due till 8/7, will that turn on my phone? She says, Oh, yes ma'am, so I pay the blankety blank thing...no cell phone ever got turned back on.

So today is Monday, still no cell service, I'm seeing RED DAGERS!! I called them at precisely 8 am, and just now got off the phone. Heidi, the sweet girl that she is, had to turn it back on, but of course I wanted upper management to handle my rage. So luckily I got 2 very understanding gals on the phone, oh but I did mention that I was about to go postal and tell them to stick all 3 of my AT&T services where the sun doesn't shine(this is the rated version).

Apparently, that person back on 7/7 didn't actually put those charges in claims, so they turned my phone off over 50 smackers. Yes, 50 smackers!! Craziness, huh? So now they are trying to make me a "very satisfied customer"... I told them, I guess 6 years of paying bills on time does nothing for ones account. If your willing to turn it off over such a petty amount, then perhaps I do need to go elsewhere. So they are trying to make me a happy customer, this gal is supposed to call me back when she gets all my credits done. Think she really will??

Oh yeah?

O about 6-8 weeks ago, I got a new do...here's the curly version from the lake on Saturday...

I have a complaint...

Tay has been in about the same size for almost 2 years now, so I guess it's time, but geez louise, overnight, she has blossomed, literally. She is still technically 7 years young for another 2 months, so I am totally not ready for all this changing.

We are having a big yard sale in a few weeks, so I wanted her to try on some stuff so I knew what to put in and what not to put in. I'll just say that anything and everything she was wearing 6 weeks ago, she can't even get buttoned or furthermore over her hips. Oh, and she has buds, yes, Those Kind of BUDS!! Dude, she's 7, not 12. For the love of my sanity, can we not prolong this for at least a few more years?? She has officially started wearing a, Nope, I can't say it, I just can't. So alas, she gets a whole new wardrobe, I thought that crap only happened to me!!

The last 6 months or so, she has developed a love of high heels, any kind, any color, just high heels. I bet she has 5 pair of them already, oh, and she's wearing a womens size 5-6 shoe!! So the other day I walk past her room, she has the radio blaring, she is wearing high heels, daisy dukes and a tank top, and she is parading around the pole on her bed(4 poster bed)!! I stopped in my tracks, and said, " What exactly are you doing, child?" She just laughed at me and smiled! I said, you are not a stripper and never will be!! Stop it now!! Where is she seeing this crap?? It's official, I am putting a brick on her head as soon as she comes home from Branson!!

This one's for you, Krissi!!

Since I haven't posted in a week or two, ok, more like a few months, and SOMEONE who will remain anonymous brought it to my attention, here goes nothing. I'm not sure where to even start, so I will start with the most recent.

Tay went to her daddy's on Friday for a whole week, so I took advantage of this and decided to go hang out with a friend in Little Rock. We decide to go eat at this Irish Pub where someone recommended I try the "drunken irish nurse"..go figure! I'll just say that either I have turned into the biggest weeny on the face of the earth or that was the strongest drink I have quite possibly ever had. One drink and I passed it on to my friend, and he drank it. Much to his surprise, an hour or so later, we are making a mad dash back to his house because he is SICK!! So glad I didn't finish the drink!! So much for our fun-filled evening!!

So after breakfast and shopping on Saturday, we load up and go to the lake house in Hot Springs, and spend the rest of the afternoon on the boat, catching some rays. What bliss! We decide to go out to Rolando's for dinner with some awesome people and sit on the patio, more like a veranda which is halfway up the mountain overlooking Hot Springs, did I mention way cool, the service sucked, but the food was awesome! What a combo, eh?

We attempted to take the boat out Sunday for a bit, but the weather was not cooperating..GRRRR!! So now I'm all back to reality, and working on the house. I'll just say the few days away was a very much needed mini vacay!! Now it's time to plan a bigger one!! Ideas, anyone?

"Last Musical of 2nd grade"

I stay behind these days, so what's new? Sue me, ha! I assure you that I couldn't give you my house or any other on the block right now! So laugh, you know you wanna! Anyways, Tay had her End of the Year Musical last week. It was adorable. I think it just hit me that *my baby* is going be in the 3rd grade in a few short months. Ok, I officially feel old now! So here she is! This is just one of the songs they did! For those of you don't know, she is on the top row with the bow in her hair!

Manic Monday

This coming Thursday will mark the seven week anniversary since Big Bertha came and destroyed our town. Since then, I, we, have all been working our little tushies off in the hopes to ever get all the cleanup done. My floors have been black for almost 7 weeks, and I mean black. But there was no need to clean them or attempt to clean them until the contractors got all done with the inside, right? So now, the inside is ALMOST officially done. We just need some trim and window sills to make it complete. Oh, and to have all my new furniture delivered. So since I am officially on vacation, I have been scrubbing the hell outta my floors for 2 days now, to the point that my hands, fingers, wrists, and upper arms actually hurt. Thats some serious scrubbin people! And what a way to spend your vacation, huh? Needless to say, I have been scrubbin gfor 2 days, and have went through like 8 Magic Erasers and think I need to buy stock in them now, cause they are new best friend and worst enemy all in one. 2 days and not even halfway done. Did I mention that I am sick of scrubbing?? Here are some pics...but they are last weeks pics. I still need to dl this weeks pics.

"Buh Bye Taylor Swift"

It must be in the air, the water, the something, cause my daughter and I are not geeing and hawing lately. Yes, I admit, my patience level is numero zilcho, with all the stress that I have been under. However, with that being said, she will not mind, she has been whiny like crazy, and my official house rule is (This is a whine free zone)!! She glares at me with these awful looks, and she argues like crazy. So today, I had no other choice, I took away her beloved Taylor Swift tickets. I bought 4 of them for her b-day in September, that's all she talks about. Today I told her that I bet I could find some other girls that would love to go with me, because she has officially forfeited them due to her nasty behavior. Did she cry, fuss, whine? No, she just looked at me, like ok, whatever! She so wasn't even phased. I told her that if she wanted them back, she would have to earn them back with good behavior. She asked what that entailed? I explained that for starters, minding, not whining, acting like a good little princess, and doing what I asked her would help her to get them back. Her response, Oh...

So we shall see how long it takes to phase her or when the next time is that she asks about them? Anybody wanna place a wager?

No Party Here...

That should tell ya all you need to know...so needless to say, I officially joined the crazy club yesterday. This should be interesting.

One Down, One to Go...

So far, so good on that good news week that I have been hoping and praying for! Got good news on one of them today, now if I can get so lucky on the next one, I'm gonna have a party and celebrate? Whose with me here??

I'm on a Roll...

Umm, that's because my daughter passed out on the couch before seven o'clock and I am spending my first night all alone since BB surrounded by my little flat-screened friend! So seriously, besides all the chaos from "Big Bertha", I have some health related issues that I will be getting results back on this week, not one, but two. So those of you that say prayers, throw up your graces, whatever it may be, if you'll keep me in mind, I would greatly appreciate it. There has never been a better time for this phrase in my life, "When it rains, it pours!" But I'm trying to think positive through it all, and I am determined to make it a "good news" week!

Big Bertha Came to Town...

I'm so glad that she didn't stay long, because she left a helluva path of destruction in the mere minutes that she was here!!

Because I have so much time on my hands these days, and it's my 50th Post, I might as well make it count. So here goes nothing.

Back on 4/9/09 @ 8:08 pm, Big Bertha came to town and left it looking like a war zone, so alot of us Mena folks are still trying to put our lives back together, thus the whole lack of time theme. I do have to say that through it all and seeing the outpouring of love, compassion and willingness to help now makes me stand a little taller and smile a little bigger when calling it home. As one house on the next street over said, "Katrina, Mena takes care of it's own!!" And that it did and is still continuing to do. Here's a few pics for you to see. These first few are my house and car, then the others are my first and second neighbors. No matter how many pics I post, It just doesn't quite seem to do it justice...

Grab my Butt...

Oh, I mean Button!! There was a little mishap down the street at Sara's house, but everything seems to be working now, so go ahead, you know you wanna, go grab my button! I'm not real convinced that any of you have it in the first place, but there's always a first time for everything, right? Oh, ok, I hear ya loud and clear, "You say, but you don't have my button." And my classic response to that is, if I could figure out how and where to make that Butt-on work, I sure as hell would. But these days, I barely have time to keep up with my own butt-on. Oh yeah, post on that later, I'm only a month behind, that's what tornados do for ya!!

Spring Pics by OsByKy

Here are some more of the new Spring Pics taken a few weeks ago...I'm lovin them! Leave sum luv!!

I've lost my marbles...

Not that I ever had them, right? Yesterday, we had another girlie get-together, a mommy-daughter one. We had a good time, (I managed to snap no pics whatsoever) and I agreed to keep all the daughters at my house for the night. Yes, four girls, all ages 6 & 7. It was like having quadruplets! So I was able to entertain them and we ended up going out for ice cream at Baskin Robbins. On the way, it was like riding with teenagers, they had the windows rolled down, the music blaring and they fought over who was gonna ride shotgun! I had to tell them to get their heads in the car and to quit waving at boys, yes, boys! But not just any boys, boys that are much older than them! We were able to make it there and back safely but I was truly beginning to wonder...I refuse to think about the next 10 years of their life if this is what it entails, and I have a feeling, it's going to get worse, much, much worse....I'm thinking that the 25 foot electric fence around the house is sounding better every day!!

Courtesy of "One Shot"...

Kyleen, my nursey friend that also has her own photography studio "One Shot" honored us with a free photo shoot, courtesy of me referring her some new clients. Yay! So today was our lucky day and she is editing them as we speak. However, this is the part that I hate, the waiting game, I'm not good at this part, and she knows this, so she teased me with yes, one pic....

Of course, more to come, as I receive them....She only took 479, perhaps there will be a few good ones??

Just When I Thought....

I had been through it all....I meet another crazy psycho boy and I mean that literally. I promise that I can't possibly make this crap up! So listen to this...

Start talking to this guy online on Friday. He wants me to come meet him on Friday night, I don't even think so! So I was in Little Rock on Saturday and stayed over at a friend's house and agreed to have breakfast with him on Sunday. Bad, Very Bad Idea!!

Bad first impressions are usually just that, BAD! But I am trying to be nice and give this guy a chance. We go to the mall and he's texting me while I am in the dressing room telling me how beautiful I am, and that he hated shopping with his ex-wife but he's already doing it with me. I looked out the top of the dressing room, and what is he doing, but blowing me kisses!! You've got to be kidding me! Within a few hours, I'm ready to go get Tay and head for the hills!

On my way home from breakfast with the psycho, these are the texts I am getting...

~Are you dead set on living in Mena forever? Cause ya know its really hard to work on a relationship from 3 hours away? (Relationship, please tell me that I missed something somewhere or got hit in the head and this is all a dream)...

~You are everything I am looking for in a woman. You have all the qualities I want and more.
(Thanks, I already know all of this)...

~When do you want to meet my daughter? (Dude, your not ever meeting mine, so good luck with that)...

~When I first saw you, I thought I must be dreamin...(Yes, you were, so let me wake up, please)

~I care about you like any one human man would for a young beautiful woman like you are. Yes, Maybe a little more that I should, but that's just me. (You have known me for a total of 6 hours, how can you possibly CARE for me?)

~Would you like me to come there one weekend? (Not no, but hell no, and I plan on moving before you can ever find me!!)

~Does it bother you that I text and call alot? (Yes, it really does, so would you please just go away already)..

~I really hope things grow with us...(Yeah, you can keep that love fern, I hope it dies)...

~I would be around as long as you would let me...(Hmm, well, that's not very long, now is it?)

~I have been talking about you! (Oh boy, this just thrills my soul)...

~So how do you want to proceed? (With caution, red flags on going off like ticking time bombs around here)...

I kid you not, no goodbye kiss, nothing and these are the texts I received after leaving Little Rock. When I got home, he had emailed me a "love poem" telling us how we were to be together. All I could say, was Holy Shit Batman...your not serious, right?

I wrote him a novel back telling him how I was not needy, clingy or desperate for any man or any relationship. Long story short, after 2 days, he still didn't get the hint. So tonight, he Im's, and I tell him to delete my number and to forget that he ever met me!! Think it will work!! Keep your fingers crossed, cause I am!

Do any of you know where I can get some special cleanser to remove the "idiot/psycho/jerk magnet from my forehead?"

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus...

Yup, you guys, it's official. I have officially given up trying to read their minds, figure them out, or even give a damn. In the last week, the different encounters, conversations, texts, etc with the men in my life absolutely blow me away. I can't even begin to fathom or much less understand. Anyone wanna jump out on a ledge here and help a woman out?

First there's Bob, we'll call him that at least. Bob's situation is possibly the most intriguing of all. I will never ever understand him. I really like him and I really should hate him, that's my stupid pathetic idiotic problem. He's the one that makes my eyes light up when I see him and will run over someone to answer the phone when he calls. But Bob is stupid and needs to make some decisions about his life. Ok, so maybe he did, and they pissed me off, so that's the reason for this lil bloggy today. I'm the one that needs to make some decisions here, and I tried, I really tried, when he called the last time, to tell him, Good-bye, See Ya Never Again...but I couldn't do it, just couldn't do it. So sue me!

Then there's Texas, well, thats what we'll call him today. He's the old stand-by that is always there for me, listens to my whining, my rambling, and gives into my requests, whatever they may be. His situation is different because, well, he doesn't know what he wants in life, and he's well a tad bit different. Not different, like you and me different, he's special, special ed, alright! I've decided that he must really love me to put up with my crap, but I gave up on him long ago because he just doesn't know what he wants. He's just truly my friend that everyone says I will end up with. And that my dear is where I have a problem, because there's a few things that we heavily disagree on!

Then there's Courtesy Flush...my, oh my..what a name. Ok, ok, that's what I named him cause that's what I did, ker-plunk! He's a nice guy or so I think, and seems really interested at times, and other times, seems very uninterested. Hot and Cold shall we say. Last week, I sent him a courtesy flush, and told him that I wanted to get to know him, but that he wasn't allowing it. Blah, blah. Haven't heard a word since the ker-plunk. So today, what happens? I'm sleeping...soundly and I hear this..."I've got 2 guns and one for each of ya" which is code for my text message going off. I raise up and think "who the hell is texting me at 8:30 am on my day off? Oh, it's you, joy, oh boy. To no avail, no plans have been set. Imagine that. EEIIGGHHH! We've been on one date and I haven't decided whether it was one date too many or one date too few...

Then there's B...he calls and texts, drunk dials me, and I'm so stupid that I answer, cause well, yes, I sleep with my phone on my nightstand, cause you never know who's calling and what they want. Refer back to "Bob"..But will he ever get up the nerve to ask me out on an actual date. Say it ain't so, cause it ain't happening! We've never went out, just talk and text...must be a man's fave thing to do..HA!

Ok, so is that enough weirdness for one day? I could sooo go on...but I won't continue to bore you with my jacked up jungle of a life! Advice? Ok, take it easy on me, will ya?

I win...

So about this wager...I win, I win, Yay, I win.

So I'm sitting at my desk this morning, totally dazed and confused...the phone rings, guess who? Yup, that person that I thought was out of my life forever, the same one whom I want to beat the dogsnot out of...and well, he showed up and I got my chance and I did it, and I lived to tell the tale. He took it like a man, and I put in more than few good punches. He now has bruises, as awful as it sounds, I don't feel bad about it, because he deserved every bit of it and more. I told him just what I thought of him...and it wasn't nice either. I've never done anything like that before. Some of you know the real story of why, and I'll leave it at that. I'm not exactly proud of this, but I was the victim here.

After I beat the dogsnot outta him, he broke down and told me all kinds of things and cried, I don't mean like teared up, I mean he cried. (Do you know how many men I have ever seen cry)(Not very many, cause their macho and it's not their thing, he's beyond macho, so to see this, was well, disturbing to say the least) Then I felt bad, because obviously he hasn't had a good life, and I actually believe that part of it. So no matter how much I hate him for what he did to me, I can't deny the absolute fun and laughs we have shared. After I had screamed at him and hit him for 2 hours....we had this conversation.....I know, yes, indeedy I have lost my friggin mind, and I don't need you to tell me that, k, this is my blog, my life, if you don't like it, click the big red X at the top. I assure you it won't bother me at all.

Me: "I know what you need, you need a friend."

Him: "Yes, I do, but I don't deserve you as a friend, after what I have done. "

Me: "No, you really don't, but I am going to step out on a limb here and be your friend because I think you need that more than anything."

Him: Tears falling....

Him: "You would be my friend, and let me talk to you about anything, and really be my friend and not hate me?"

Me: *BIG SIGH*, Yes, I will. Despite everything I know to be true, Yes, I will.

*Sighing* How do I get myself into these situations? Don't answer that!

My life is truly a jacked up jungle....

and that's putting it mildy.....I can't go into alot of detail, but words cannot describe the emotions and rage I am feeling right now towards someone who has lied to me in more ways than one can possibly describe. This would include life-altering lies and deceit, but underneath all the rage and hurt, I feel sad for them, that they have to live like that. There should be more to life than that, and now they know that there is...

I threatened to kick their ass and told them to come to my house right now, so I could beat their face into the ground. They said, they would give me time to cool off, and next week they will be back to lay down and let me kick the dogsnot outta them. Anyone wanna make any wagers as to if they will show their face for this act? I am making a bet with myself and I'll let ya know who wins or looses. Life is too short.....way too short....Perhaps in time, I can come out with it all, but right now, I am in such shock.....wow!