Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's time for me to get real...

with myself before I explode into a million tiny little pieces. I am angry, pissed off, mad, wanna scream and run far far away and not come back for awhile. If I thought there was somewhere that I could go and no one would find me, I would already be gone. No this doesn't mean that I don't love my child, my family or friends. If you think that by only reading thus far, click the big red X at the top of the screen. I don't need your ridicule. It means that I need a break, a break from stress, life, reality, whatever it may be. The last year has been a nightmare, literally. From Tay's surgery in January, dealing with a tornado, loss of my car, Tay being abused by the friggin babysitter, My less than mediocre medical issues, Connor's 4 wheeler accident, my best friend's blood clots and now all of this. (That just hits the high points) I would like to turn the page and never look back. And no, this isn't a poor me, give me lots of sympathy blog either. I just need to vent. But so far my luck hasn't changed any, for instance a friend and I bought our first Arkansas lotto tickets today, did we win one red cent? Hell no, we lost 7 bucks!

Last weekend, I was in Dallas supposed to having the time of my life and celebrating my 30th birthday. I'll just say that it was an awful weekend, I pray that I forget it all. On Saturday afternoon while taking a nap in our plush hotel room, my phone rings, it's the Baby Daddy who currently had my daughter, yes my, at the time. Tay had managed to somehow get her ankle squished, yes squished is the only proper word that I can come up with right now, by another child on the teeter totter. He said, "I think it's broke!" Me, thinking to myself, sure it is, you don't know broke from a hole in the ground, nor do you know her allergy list or the daily meds she takes, but now your telling me that her foot is broke. I said, send me a picture. He did alright, and for once in his life, he was right. It's so broke they sent her to Children's Hospital in LR. He tells me calm down, Ronda, I was only 10 feet away washing the car and said girlfriend was very close by. Really? Then how the fuck did this happen? My 8 year old daughter has a fractured growth plate in her left ankle and a sheared tibia and your telling me to calm down. Sure I won't! I'm stuck in Dallas trying to get a flight to LR because they think she is going to have surgery. I'm willing to spend my savings on a flight to LR because I am the strong one, not him. Out of the 5 surgeries she has had, he has been to 2. Not a very good ratio there. Needless to say, they couldn't do surgery because her ankle was too swollen and inflammed to do anything yet. They send her home to let the swelling go down. I cancel my flight. And we leave first thing the next morning on the way home.

Tay gets home and of course I ask her what happened? She said daddy was across the street at the car wash washing the car(not 10 feet away) and live-in girlfriend was across the creek smoking and doing her homework. So who exactly was watching you and who saw this happen? A ten year old, thats who. I guess thats who is now responsible for my daughter. Yes, I know accidents happen, and sometimes they can't be prevented, but for NO ADULT to have even come close to witnessing this just really makes me wanna rip heads off. Thus far, my daughter has had to have zero surgeries because of my negligence. Her fathers actions really shouldn't surprise me by now, but somehow I have let him get to me on this one. So I take her to my OP on Tuesday and she is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday to put pins in it to put it back together. Oh and did I mention that she has to have another surgery to have them removed in 3-6 months? So her father called wanting to know all of this information. I told him and asked if he was coming to her surgery? He says, well, 11:00 is early, and I don't think I can make it on time.

Me: so get your ass outta bed a little earlier and be there. Him: Well, I really don't have the gas money. Me: Well then come and watch her Thursday and Friday since you have so much PTO saved up, so I can work. Him: I really don't have the gas money. Me: Are you friggin kiddin me? Your daughter is having her 6th surgery and once again, your not coming? I'd be ashamed to admit that! Him: Besides said girlfriend is having outpatient surgery on Friday. Me: Oh, I get it, you can go to her surgery, but you can't come to your own flesh and blood's surgery. Oh, now I totally understand. NOT!

So yes, I am angry that I am the one to always pick up the pieces, the one that pays for EVERYTHING. I am the one who paid the specialist co-pay on Tuesday, the surgical co-pay, the gas to and from FS 2x this week, the one that went and bought stretchy pants to get over her cast, and bought Tay whatever she wanted to eat those days because she was going through hell. I am the one who has to lay on top of her when she's trying to wake up from anesthesia, with the ear-piercing, gut-wrenching scream that is radiating from her tonsils while she's trying to rip out her IV. I am the one that carried her to the car and fought with her while trying to drive home until she finally passed out. I am the one that has to wrap her leg every night and bathe her by hand. I am the one that answers her over 50x a day, and takes care of her and have given up by bed to share with her just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs me. And where is her father? Thats a damn good question? We haven't even heard from him in a couple days. Someone please make me understand, because I can't even begin to fathom it. Yes, I am tired, worn out and frustrated.

I am also angry that I am letting a man play with my emotions and toy with my heart. I am angry that my best friend has blood clots and has been chair bound for over a month now. I am torn about my medical issues that I put off to make my child the priority. I am angry that "what if" I have to have another major surgery and I have no time off left. I am angry about my finances, because of all the extra cost my savings has been depleted. What if I don't have enough money to make it till tax time? I am angry that no one seems to understand. Perhaps someone in bloggy land will possibly know where I am coming from. I am angry that all this shit has happened this year and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. I am tired of putting on that fake smile for everyone and acting like everything is ok, perhaps it will get that way, but right now, I do not feel ok. No, I'm not gonna down a bottle of pills or do anything drastic. I may go outside and scream at the top of my lungs or howl at the moon, I'm not sure which, even If I do both, what would it hurt?


Krissi said...

I'm not at all sure what to say, you've left me speechless (and knowing me as well as you do, you know that's HARD to do). Let me just say this and be done with it... one day when Tay gets a little more grown up and looks back to see who's helped carry her thru life, who's always been there, who's always going to be there for her (provided you do get a break sometime in the next 5 years or so, or else it's the nut house for you) she will look back and see all the love that only a wonderful mother can give, and that my dear will be priceless to her. Love to you both and you are both in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

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